...when their eloquence escapes me/ their logic ties me up and rapes me....
My Tonguebiting Inner Editor has been escaping more frequently and biting her tongue very little. She may become a permanent fixture or a super-hero or both. Red Penny: Apostrophe Avenger, Comma Co-ordinator, Semicolon Semanticist, Interrobang Interpreter...
It's enough that I'm faced with purchasing "cami's" or "DVD's" at my local shops, forced to suffer the comma-splicings of Subaru: "It's what makes a Subaru, a Subaru", assaulted by a drug company's (I've blocked which) catchy jingle of "O-N-E-L-E-S-S, I wanna be one less, one less", infuriated by my local police force's billboard announcement, "I save lives everyday, what do YOU do?" (I catch your errors, assholes. Hire a writer. 'Every day' is TWO words, and you need different punctuation between your two independent clauses- tell ya what: you draw guns and drive squad cars; I will write and edit) but to now face, on a daily basis, the social (mis)stylings of my 'friends', some of whom have been students- writing students!- of mine, has pushed me right to the edge.
Evidently, I'm not the only one.
You've been warned.
(The Police; De Doo Doo Doo, De Da Da Da)
24 May, 2011
09 May, 2011
Monday List
...try to kiss me, and laugh /in four or five paragraphs /All your compliments and your cutting remarks /Are captured here in my quotation marks....
1. It will never leach toxic chemicals into a landfill
2. I have one that belonged to my grandfather
3. It will survive a dip in the tub or pool if I fall asleep
4. I can lend it, give it away, donate it or display it
5. Its cost is reflective of something other than its age
6. I will happily hand one to a baby
7. If it's old, it can be cheap, free, or very expensive
8. It carries an aroma which is personal and exquisite
9. If I drop it, I can pick it up in one piece
10. It needs no instructions for use
11. It can be signed by the author
12. This is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen
13. Two words: gilt flashing
(Elvis Costello; Everyday I Write The Book)
1. It will never leach toxic chemicals into a landfill
2. I have one that belonged to my grandfather
3. It will survive a dip in the tub or pool if I fall asleep
4. I can lend it, give it away, donate it or display it
5. Its cost is reflective of something other than its age
6. I will happily hand one to a baby
7. If it's old, it can be cheap, free, or very expensive
8. It carries an aroma which is personal and exquisite
9. If I drop it, I can pick it up in one piece
10. It needs no instructions for use
11. It can be signed by the author
12. This is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen
13. Two words: gilt flashing
(Elvis Costello; Everyday I Write The Book)
11 April, 2011
Recycled Monday
...I'd change her sad rags into glad rags if I could (if I could)....
Pin inside purse as a cell phone pocket
Cut open for tiny towels or facecloths
Revamp as a shopping bag
Turn inside-out and put in soap scraps for a shower soap-pad
Use as puppets or golf-club covers
Stuff with fiberfill for a kid-bopper (comedic use only!) or dog toy
Knit a bathmat
Cover the end of a yardstick and clean under the fridge
Use the cuff part as wrist band or coffeecup cozy
Keep near the freezer for an ice bag
Create undies
Stuff in a tennis ball and knot it for another dog toy
Sew the bottom of the cuff part to be MP3 player cover
(Franki Valli and the Four Seasons: Rag Doll)
Pin inside purse as a cell phone pocket
Cut open for tiny towels or facecloths
Revamp as a shopping bag
Turn inside-out and put in soap scraps for a shower soap-pad
Use as puppets or golf-club covers
Stuff with fiberfill for a kid-bopper (comedic use only!) or dog toy
Knit a bathmat
Cover the end of a yardstick and clean under the fridge
Use the cuff part as wrist band or coffeecup cozy
Keep near the freezer for an ice bag
Create undies
Stuff in a tennis ball and knot it for another dog toy
Sew the bottom of the cuff part to be MP3 player cover
(Franki Valli and the Four Seasons: Rag Doll)
08 April, 2011
Longish Title
...I got this, you got this/Now you know it....
This is almost literally the only thing I've done today. Fucking rain.
Arugala April Poetry Tribute To Bebecka Lack
Seven AM I get up in the morning
Gotta cook fresh food in the kitchen downstairs
No clean bowls, can't have cereal
Seeing everything in the pantry
With expired 'best by' dates, gotta rush and
Gotta chow down on some quick slop
Carton from the fridge, I grab a pan
Salt is on my right side
Pepper's on my left side
Gotta make my mind up
Which spice can I shake?
It's fried egg, fried egg
Gotta chow down on fried egg
Wheat bread for my toast is just the butt end, butt end
Fried egg, fried egg
Scarfin down a fried egg
Every day I eat one and I worry about my rear end
You know what it is
I got eggs, you got eggs
They're not even green, say
I got ham, you got ham
Now you know it
Salt is on my right side
Pepper's on my left side
Gotta make my mind up
Which spice can I shake?
It's fried egg, fried egg
Gotta chow down on fried egg
Wheat bread for my toast is just the butt end, butt end
Fried egg, fried egg
Scarfin down a fried egg
Every day I eat one and I worry about my rear end
Dieting Dieting (yeah)
Tired of dieting (yeah)
Fun, fun, it's no fun
But I worry about my rear end
Last night I was thirsty, thirsty
Today I eat a fried egg
Me, me, me, I'm delighted
Burner ignited
Gonna eat up all my fried egg
Tomorrow is gym day
And I'll be sore afterwards
I won't eat this old piece of bread
It's fried egg, fried egg
Gotta chow down on fried egg
Wheat bread for my toast is just the butt end, butt end
Fried egg, fried egg
Scarfin down a fried egg
Every day I eat one and I worry about my rear end
I figure if I have to have that stupid song stuck in my head, it may as well have better lyrics.
I'll be in a murder mystery tonight; Drop Dead, Gorgeous. But it's a private gig, so even if you wear a red carnation, I won't see you there.
(Rebecca Black; Friday)
This is almost literally the only thing I've done today. Fucking rain.
Arugala April Poetry Tribute To Bebecka Lack
Seven AM I get up in the morning
Gotta cook fresh food in the kitchen downstairs
No clean bowls, can't have cereal
Seeing everything in the pantry
With expired 'best by' dates, gotta rush and
Gotta chow down on some quick slop
Carton from the fridge, I grab a pan
Salt is on my right side
Pepper's on my left side
Gotta make my mind up
Which spice can I shake?
It's fried egg, fried egg
Gotta chow down on fried egg
Wheat bread for my toast is just the butt end, butt end
Fried egg, fried egg
Scarfin down a fried egg
Every day I eat one and I worry about my rear end
You know what it is
I got eggs, you got eggs
They're not even green, say
I got ham, you got ham
Now you know it
Salt is on my right side
Pepper's on my left side
Gotta make my mind up
Which spice can I shake?
It's fried egg, fried egg
Gotta chow down on fried egg
Wheat bread for my toast is just the butt end, butt end
Fried egg, fried egg
Scarfin down a fried egg
Every day I eat one and I worry about my rear end
Dieting Dieting (yeah)
Tired of dieting (yeah)
Fun, fun, it's no fun
But I worry about my rear end
Last night I was thirsty, thirsty
Today I eat a fried egg
Me, me, me, I'm delighted
Burner ignited
Gonna eat up all my fried egg
Tomorrow is gym day
And I'll be sore afterwards
I won't eat this old piece of bread
It's fried egg, fried egg
Gotta chow down on fried egg
Wheat bread for my toast is just the butt end, butt end
Fried egg, fried egg
Scarfin down a fried egg
Every day I eat one and I worry about my rear end
I figure if I have to have that stupid song stuck in my head, it may as well have better lyrics.
I'll be in a murder mystery tonight; Drop Dead, Gorgeous. But it's a private gig, so even if you wear a red carnation, I won't see you there.
(Rebecca Black; Friday)
04 April, 2011
Black Youtube
THAT SHIT AINT RIGHT MAN!!! IT UNHUMANTRY TO LISTEN TO THAT SHIT- MrSmalldude22, commenting on Rebecca Black's Friday
Okay, I find the Rebecca Black Friday song very funny for reasons I probably don't need to explain. I do not, however, advise listening to it. Instead, I recommend this cute parody by a couple of (it looks like) highschoolers. Or this version: Steven Colbert on Jimmy Fallon.
If this is the worst song ever, it's in good company. Seriously, doesn't anybody remember Leonard Nimoy's 'Proud Mary'? That one is SO bad that the painful Ballad of Bilbo Baggins seems, at least, mercifully short.
Let's not forget classic rock band Styx, and the absurd Mr. Roboto. Now THAT was bad, even for the eighties.
And "unhumantry" is my new favorite made-up word.
Okay, I find the Rebecca Black Friday song very funny for reasons I probably don't need to explain. I do not, however, advise listening to it. Instead, I recommend this cute parody by a couple of (it looks like) highschoolers. Or this version: Steven Colbert on Jimmy Fallon.
If this is the worst song ever, it's in good company. Seriously, doesn't anybody remember Leonard Nimoy's 'Proud Mary'? That one is SO bad that the painful Ballad of Bilbo Baggins seems, at least, mercifully short.
Let's not forget classic rock band Styx, and the absurd Mr. Roboto. Now THAT was bad, even for the eighties.
Oh, if we want to consider something a bit less ancient, how aboutWe Like The Moon? Granted that Joel Vietch of Rathergood is the genius behind Happy Spacemen, and Love Me Like You Used To, We Like The Moon, well, that song was just BAD.
Perhaps deliberately so.
Perhaps deliberately so.
And "unhumantry" is my new favorite made-up word.
29 March, 2011
Cat Tales
...pusscat's read all the papers/ seen the movie and knows/ all the streets lead to somewhere/ and the pavement's gold....
Cat stories, to balance the knitting. Or maybe not.
We have the reverse of 'stuff on my cat' at our house. Clear surfaces? Check. Sunny windowsills? Check. Cozy comforter-covered beds? Check. Empty laps? Check.
Where's the cat?
On our stuff.
Given the choice between counter and computer, table and a pile of papers, chair to himself or one with a stack of magazines, bet you can guess which he'll choose.
We've finally learned to leave the copy/scan/fax machine in the OFF position, because of the CopyCat in our house. We had way, way too many furbutt photocopies. Who am I kidding? One is too many.
***
It's just before Easter, 2009. Hawk pulls into the Dana lot, where he leaves the BigTruck.
"Boy am I glad to see you!" says one of the truck-industry-support-folk. "You're an animal lover, right? C'mere, I wanna show you something."
Hawk is wary, but co-operative.
"We call him Trouble, but he's a loverboy, really. You gotta meet him."
He puts a skinny black kitten into my husband's arms. Hawk holds the cat face-up, and rubs his chest and tummy.
The kitten blinks yellow lamplight eyes and begins to purr.
A girl in the office had noticed an abandoned cat hanging around her home, and had put out food for it. Her mother had a fit, declaring that they already had one cat to feed, and that was enough. The girl captured the cat and brought it to the truckyard where, presumably, it survived on scraps leftover from lunches. But the Easter holiday was coming, and no one would be at the yard. And then there were the large actual feral cats. The truckyard folk feared for Trouble's life.
Hawk listens, and glances down at the cat in question. It has fallen asleep.
The first notice I have of an addition to our household is my husband's voice telling the kids (outside in the yard, playing on an unseasonably sunny day) that he has a friend he wants them to meet.
"But you have to be careful- he gets scared by loud noises."
Oh, great. He's brought home some drunk homeless guy.
"And he needs a bath. But I think you'll like him."
Okay, so now I'm prepared for a near-starving black dog. But it's this tiny tuxedoed cat wrapped in a dirty towel. Hawk engages in the aforementioned bathing activity.
Cat emerges clean, notably calm, and after an energetic rub with a towel, purring. And he has one more surprise for us.
This cat has extra toes.
Extra toes!
(Adam Ant; Puss 'N Boots)
Cat stories, to balance the knitting. Or maybe not.
We have the reverse of 'stuff on my cat' at our house. Clear surfaces? Check. Sunny windowsills? Check. Cozy comforter-covered beds? Check. Empty laps? Check.
Where's the cat?
On our stuff.
Given the choice between counter and computer, table and a pile of papers, chair to himself or one with a stack of magazines, bet you can guess which he'll choose.
We've finally learned to leave the copy/scan/fax machine in the OFF position, because of the CopyCat in our house. We had way, way too many furbutt photocopies. Who am I kidding? One is too many.
***
It's just before Easter, 2009. Hawk pulls into the Dana lot, where he leaves the BigTruck.
"Boy am I glad to see you!" says one of the truck-industry-support-folk. "You're an animal lover, right? C'mere, I wanna show you something."
Hawk is wary, but co-operative.
"We call him Trouble, but he's a loverboy, really. You gotta meet him."
He puts a skinny black kitten into my husband's arms. Hawk holds the cat face-up, and rubs his chest and tummy.
The kitten blinks yellow lamplight eyes and begins to purr.
A girl in the office had noticed an abandoned cat hanging around her home, and had put out food for it. Her mother had a fit, declaring that they already had one cat to feed, and that was enough. The girl captured the cat and brought it to the truckyard where, presumably, it survived on scraps leftover from lunches. But the Easter holiday was coming, and no one would be at the yard. And then there were the large actual feral cats. The truckyard folk feared for Trouble's life.
Hawk listens, and glances down at the cat in question. It has fallen asleep.
The first notice I have of an addition to our household is my husband's voice telling the kids (outside in the yard, playing on an unseasonably sunny day) that he has a friend he wants them to meet.
"But you have to be careful- he gets scared by loud noises."
Oh, great. He's brought home some drunk homeless guy.
"And he needs a bath. But I think you'll like him."
Okay, so now I'm prepared for a near-starving black dog. But it's this tiny tuxedoed cat wrapped in a dirty towel. Hawk engages in the aforementioned bathing activity.
Cat emerges clean, notably calm, and after an energetic rub with a towel, purring. And he has one more surprise for us.
This cat has extra toes.
Extra toes!
(Adam Ant; Puss 'N Boots)
28 March, 2011
Monday List
...one, two, three, four/ can I have a little more?/ five six seven-eight-nine-ten I love you....
1. Walk
2. Laugh
3. Compare hairstyles
4. Sweep
5. Complain about gas
6. Pour water
7. Wait patiently
8. Wonder what's causing the big fuss
9. Mimic expressions
10. Relax
11. Keep doing something well past the time you're tired of doing it
12. Employ a lint brush
13. Accept unconditional adoration
(Beatles; All Together Now)
1. Walk
2. Laugh
3. Compare hairstyles
4. Sweep
5. Complain about gas
6. Pour water
7. Wait patiently
8. Wonder what's causing the big fuss
9. Mimic expressions
10. Relax
11. Keep doing something well past the time you're tired of doing it
12. Employ a lint brush
13. Accept unconditional adoration
(Beatles; All Together Now)