19 August, 2008

Limited Time

...so tired of losing- I got nothing to do and all day to do it/ I go out cruisin' but I've no place to go and all night to get there....

Okay, here it is: you have two weeks left in which to wear your white shoes. Live it up. Enjoy. And then put them away until Memorial Day.

Do NOT make me go all Serial Mom on your asses.

(Too Much Time On My Hands; Styx)

11 August, 2008

Ask Not

...a thousand million questions/ about hate and death and war....

I don't bother even to READ these things. So if you've sent one, I still don't know your favorite brand of orange juice. However, I do many things for my sister that baffle even me.

1. When did I get up? not sure... I went to bed at 5:38, but fell asleep on the sofa at 1:00am, so maybe 5:38? but then I woke at 6:00 to turn off the alarm, got up at 8:30 but haven't done anything yet...

2. Diamonds or Pearls? What kind of budget do you think I have? Silver and copper, mostly

3. Last film... Wal- E

4.Favorite TV show? Law and Order, CSI, NCIS, Numbers.... but not Cold Case. I HAAAAATE Cold Case

5. What do I usually have for breakfast? I don't "usually" anything.

6. Maiden name is middle name

7. A convertible!

8. Favorite sandwich.. uh... oh, wait, I know this one... there was this little place in I think it was Virginia, anyway, it was called the Traveling Troll, and it was Muenster cheese, avocado slices and sprouts on whole grain bread with... um, goddess dressing? or remoulade? anyway, when I went back another time, it wasn't yummy like I remembered, so my favorite sandwich is the memory of a sandwich that I had once upon a time. I don't like sprouts anymore, but haven't given up trying to replicate the feeling of the Traveling Troll.

(see? it's an absurd answer. Some of these questions are just absurd.)

9. Despised characteristic... lack of compassion. Oh, that wasn't so hard. I thought surely there were a bazillion things that annoyed me about other people...

10. Favorite clothing item??? depends on what I want to wear!

11. Anywhere in the world on vacation... depends. How long do I have? What season is it? How much money can I spend? Is anyone going with me, or am I by myself? If I'm not alone, who is it that's with me? How many? Who's buying? Where's my drink? Wait, what?

12. Bathroom isn't any color. It's under construction.

13. Favorite clothing brand? You've gotta be kidding me.

Well, hang on a tic.... I do end up with a lot of Old Navy stuff I like, and I kind of love my Victoria's Secret purchases.

14. Retire? From what? You mean someday I have to stop getting paid to help other people have fun? Why? because I turn old and stuff?

(You see how some of these questions are unanswerable because they simply lead to more questions....)

15. Memorable birthday... oh, I dunno... the good ones I don't really remember in the morning... WAIT! when I was turning 21, Hawk took me to King's Dominion for two days, and we drove down in his Nova and had such a good time in the car together that I didn't care if we went to the park at all, but we did, and then it rained so everyone left but then the rain stopped and we had the park almost all to ourselves. Of course, I may be mixing up the memories of like three different trips here, because memorable requires having a memory that works accurately, rather than pleasantly. I enjoy my memories, but I don't know if they're true.

16. Favorite sport to watch... oh, come ON... actually, I CAN answer this one: I like to watch triathalons when my sister is competing. Because her face is so beautiful when she sees us.

17. (How long IS this quiz? You should take my quiz on Facebook; it's only 13 questions.)

18., 19, See above

20. Favorite saying... I'm a writer. I can't have favorites. I have to use what's appropriate to the situation. But maybe I will invent a favorite: What would Yogi (Berra) say?

21. I think you know my birthday.

22. Morning or night? What kind of a question is that? I have narcolepsy and insomnia. Does 3 AM qualify as morning, or night?

23. Shoe Size!?? Oh! My! God! How long IS this quiz?

24. Pets? Why yes. Including a brand new lizard named Chim-Chim, to go with the hermit crabs Spritle and Speed.

25. Exciting news, exciting news.... does being featured poet in October count as exciting? no, not really. Oh! I am writing the October murder mystery, Death Expo.

26.What did I want to be when I was little...other than big? Well, I wanted to be an actor. Hey, guess what! My parents mocked me, but what do I get paid to do, hmmm?

27. How am I today? Oh, please. See Question 8.

28. Favorite candy is 65% or better semi-sweet chocolate bars that I keep in the freezer and eat one square at a time.

29. Favorite flower... you know, I've always admired Queen Anne's Lace. I know it's technically a weed, but it grows under the most adverse circumstances, is extremely tough but manages to be delicate-looking, has a sort of spicy smell, and if you put coloring in the water, the lace turns fancy colors.

30. What day on the calend... you've got to be kidding me.

31. Listening to? low grade hum of the computer in the next room.

32. Last thing I ate... like a meal? yesterday's dinner, catfish, corn and green beans. Unless the ricecracker nut snackmix counts. And then it's that.

33. I absolutely wish on stars, even when I'm not sure they're stars. I've probably wished on airplanes quite a bit, which if you think about it isn't any sillier than wishing on stars. I wish on the moon now, too, since Glass Menagerie. And I wish on eyelashes, dandelions, white horses, loads of hay and coins I throw in fountains.

34. If I were a crayon. Jeeebuz, who makes up these things?

35., 36., 37., see above.

38. Yes, I have a sibling. It is because of her that I'm spending NINE THOUSAND HOURS on this questionare. Usually I don't even read them because I mostly don't give a shit what's the last thing you ate or your shoe size.

39. I don't have a favorite day. Alternatively, they are all my favorite. What kind of a question is that?

40. Favorite toy... my sister, I guess. She was fun company, and we had great pretend games. She would talk on the pretend phone and only have one half of the conversation. I always had to be both ends.

41. Of course, summer. Despite the damn mosquitos.

42. Hugs or kisses? Giving or receiving? Are you wearing a stuffed character suit? How sweaty am I? How sweaty are you? Where would you be putting those kisses? Have we met before? Are you crying? Do you bite a little when you kiss? See, it's JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE.

43. Coffee or tea? What time is it? What sort of tea? Am I cold? Are we in New Orleans? Because if we're in New Orleans, IT'S COFFEE. Anywhere else, it depends.

44. Chocolate or vanilla...now that's pretty narrow. It's like asking Elvis or Beatles. Really? I mean, I tasted this one ice cream, probably 2 summers ago, called SPF 31 and it tasted like sunscreen, but in a good way. Boy I loved that. What was the question?

45. Why would I e-mail my friends if I DIDN'T want them to send back? That question makes no sense.

46. Last time I cried... a real cry or just teary? I snivel at things people don't understand. I cried for ET. I still do. EVERY TIME. Big Fish made me cry. I don't think Wal-E made me cry, but I don't remember.


48. Friend I've had longest... well, I've known Shirley since Jr. High, but we see each other one time a year, and she does all the talking, because I'm working... I guess Coco, unless Hawk counts. Or! There's this guy, and we were friends when we were like fourteen years old, and we still talk once or twice a year, does that count?

49. Last night... what DID I do last night? Oh, drove back from Lebanon, PA with a car full of gear including a bucket, long striped socks, a duster, four pair of sunglasses, an unfinished hat, three parasols, a lot of towels, one pair of stilts, and a lizard.

50. Favorite smell? Not just one I like, or several ones I like, but FAVORITE? Because fresh-baked bread is nice, but so is kettle corn. And the smell of sun on sand is good, plus if you add in the smell of ocean... I like the smell of elephants; I think it's funny. It always makes me smile. I like the smell of tanning oil, and the air when it's going to rain, and sweet briar rose in the spring. Baby shampoo. Wild rice pilaf. Diesel, sweat and cigarettes. HOW CAN I CHOOSE A FAVORITE?

51. Yes, I'm afraid of two things: Having someone cut into me with something sharp (makes surgery extremely unpleasant) and having a bat in my hair.

52. Salty or sweet? Yes.

53. How many keys on my... shit. I don't know. At least three. Unless the beer opener counts.

54. Years at my current job? My job of being a self-employed itinerant? Mmmm...twelve. The hours are great but the health care plan stinks.

55. Towns I've lived in... Ann Arbor. Detroit. Terre Haute. Jasonville. Baltimore. Linthicum Heights. Brooklyn. Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

56. Do I make friends easily? Probably you should ask my friends. If I have some. Which is still under examinations. I'm just saying.

57. How many people will I...? Only the one that sent it to me, plus my blog.

58. Oh, seriously? How many responses... please. Enough is enough already.

Believe it or not, I don't really care what your weather is just now.

(Question; The Moody Blues)

07 August, 2008

International Amusement

....a pista nos llaman los matadores/ Haces q cualquiera se enamore/ Cuando bailas al ritmo de los tambores....

Hi, I'm back, watching the Olympics. I'll have a better post soon, but I just wanted to say hello....

Sorry. Flashbacks. Too much L D S in the sixties.

The Olympics are coming. China is enforcing its "no homeless" policy, and removing as many "Chinglish" signs as it can manage.

In foreign national tongue, funny thing are funny which take for serious instructment when at home.

In fact, my subtitle, "finally, it is accepted as self-evident" is very nearly Chinglish. Or a zen koan. I haven't decided. I got it in my fortune cookie. It is to date my favorite fortune ever, even including the dirty ones.

And then there's this:

In my house, "Rawr-ra-ra-rawr- ra-ra-ra-ra-rawr" is replacing "blah blah yadda yadda".

Ancient creatures rapping about fossil fuel, it was only a matter of time....

Repeating syllables= funny. Not just in English. Evidently. Meet Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo,
...a man with the incredible power of hearing the voices of hair and using his own [hair] to fight. He uses his power to fight off the Margarita Empire and all of EmperorTsuru Tsuruiina's minions who are stealing the hair off of anyone they find..

I'll say it again: the Japanese are weird.

On our own shores, there is also monstrous weirdness. Somebody needs to tell the Weekly World News that Batboy's got competition! Too bad that brilliantly bad paper is now defunct.

Or is it?

(Gasolina; Daddy Yankee)*