Independence Day*

...in her own good land here she’s been abused/ she's been burned, dishonored, denied an' refused/ and the government for which she stands/ has been scandalized throughout out the land/ and she’s getting threadbare, and she’s wearin' thin/ but she’s in good shape, for the shape she’s in/ cause she’s been through the fire before/ and I believe she can take a whole lot more....


I have a special fondness for this holiday, being as it is the first one I ever celebrated. Not that I remember much about that first celebration, and no, not because I was drunk.

Plus, it's got excellent historical value, that whole giving the finger to The Man deal, and the writing of the Declaration, and Thomas Jefferson, recently coolified with interracial scandal. By the way, the Star Spangled Banner was not written during the Revolutionary War, but during the War of 1812, some years later. (Shaddap. YOU do the math.)

Also, Independence Day has significant peeve value as well, since many many many people identify it by its date rather than its title. Seriously, how often have you seen

Happy 4th Of July!

or

Happy Fourth Of July!

(which is not much of an improvement)?

Since when does a holiday identify by its date? Do we say, Happy 1st of January or Happy 25th of December? Do we say Happy Third Thursday In November, or Happy Six Weeks Past Ash Wednesday (or whatever that works out to be)?

We do not.

It would be stupid.

Also stupid: Redwhiteandblue themed food, clothing and beer. Especially the beer. Okay, green on St.Patrick's, if you're Irish, or if you're a poseur. Hallowe'en vests? Gah. Christmas sweaters? Only if you're in the Ugly Christmas Sweater Pub Crawl. But flag shirts hats trousers jewelry (especially jewelry) socks tights (Unless you're Captain America) neckerchiefs armbands leis bustiers (unless you're Wonder Woman) or boxer shorts, let me say this: Please. Our flag as outer or underwear? Please.

[Aside: flag-themed boxer shorts have business only in the striptease number performed by G. Gordon Liddy to the song "Goodbye, Mrs. Liddy" from Watergate! the Musical, and nowhere else, please, thankyouverymuch.]

So, sensibly clad in my usual black, I implore you, greet each other correctly on this the celebration of our nation's cussedness, and dress in a way that will cause embarrassment to neither your children nor your parents, or inspire snickering among natives of other, better dressed, countries.

From the bottoms of her white kitten-heeled sandals to the thong of her lacy blue panties to the demi-cups of her red satin bra, Primarily Decorative wishes you a Happy Independence Day.


(Ragged Old Flag; Johnny Cash)



*This post dedicated to my friend Tim Kreider.