Howard's Secret

You want the secret of life? Here it is: You wake up in the morning. You eat a little breakfast, maybe read the newspaper. If you're lucky enough, you're married. You yell at your wife, you make up with your wife. If your testicles feel alright, you bang your wife. You watch a video you rented or maybe you go out to the movies. The secret of life is so simple. That's life. If you have kids, you live with the kids. You don't move out on your wife. You stay with her even if you've banged her nine thousand times and you're sick of it. Nobody follows that. That's the secret to life. -- Howard Stern, from Private Parts, 1993.


Even Howard Stern didn't follow that. So far, though, it's been working for me. I'll post an update in a decade or so, to report on long-term value of this.

In celebration of the impending weekend, suggested entertainment variations for couples.

Wearing a red nightie and red pumps.

In the shower.

In the guest room.

In his long-sleeved shirt and nothing else.

In the caaaaaar.

Outside.

Almost all the way dressed.

All the way undressed, except for socks.

With dessert toppings.

Under the table.

On top of the table.

While watching in the bathroom mirror.

Silently.

LOUDLY.

Wearing matchy-matchy bra and panties with long satin robe.

With ALL the toys.

With no toys at all.

With no hands.

While a camcorder is running. (erase later, after watching)

In a short plaid skirt and white button-up oxford.

On top of a furry rug or sheepskin.

On top of your yarn-stash (wait, eww; nevermind)

With blindfolds.

Black skirt, white frilly apron, fishnet stockings and a (clean) feather duster. French accent optional.

You or your partner can thank me later.


why, yes, I HAVE been banging the same fella for 26 years; why do you ask?