17 November, 2005

Shadow Dance

...it's a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in bacon...mmmmmmm....

The sun is out. It's cold, but the sun is out.

This is not news, except to me.

Hormonal fluctuations and grey weather and quotidian annoyances (though these less so) factor into a strange balancing dance I do with my own brain. It's frustrating to spend the bulk of a day, some days, just keeping myself happy.

I've been depressed before, and it's difficult to explain depression to anyone who hasn't. I'm terrified of being depressed again, since every episode increases EXPONENTIALLY your likelyhood of having another episode. And they're bad, suicidal bad, which I certainly don't want.

A package comes in the mail. It's boots, with wooden cutout heels. They seemed like a good idea when I ordered them, but now I'm not sure I like them.

What do you think?

Fuzzy gives me an assessing look. "Snaaaappy," she pronounces.

I bow to her seven-year-old wisdom.

We find for three-ish dollars at a resale shop a CareBear, 2002, talking. Cheer Bear, with a button in its paw and body, this gender-indeterminate bear, says "You're fun to be with," and "How about a CareBear hug?" when you squeeze it. The children perform "surgery," switching it from 'demo' to 'on' to 'off' without warning. It's a Personal Affirmation Bear, is what it is. "You're my best friend," and "A happy day is coming your way." Okay, it's stupid, but it's what I needed.

That day.

Conspicuous consumption of chocolate (ie stimulant) helps, but then the sugar creates a crash, and since I skip right over the supposed sugar 'high' and go directly to the crash, it's momentarily satisfying but ultimately unhelpful. I can't find my book, Constant Craving which seems like a non-sequiter, but isn't. Doreen Virtue has collected data about food dependancies, theorizing that people with particular needs or problems want particular foods to deal with them. Thus, you can decode what you're feeling by what you're eating/craving. Theoretically. What I was thinking was that maybe there was a section in there somewhere about mood-elevating foods, though if there is, it's probably something dull like salad or oatmeal.

I steamed two artichokes for my breakfast and felt decadent eating them dipped in melted lemon butter.

That was yesterday.

Today the sun is out, and even though it's cold, I'll walk and walk and recharge, because it's still thirty-six days to Darkest Day, and I have to survive. Unfortunately, sunlight cannot be stored cumulatively, otherwise my summer sunning would keep me going til Spring.

Spring, when I will again go Topless.

Or maybe I will today, with the heat on full blast, because even when I'm near-on suicidal, I'm no masochist.


Paul said...

Cybele, have you considered that you may have Seasonal Affect Disorder? I've noticed that the tone of your blog changes dramatically during the winter. You may wish to get that checked, my friend. As someone who has had depression for most of his life, I know how shitty it can be...

Cybele said...

Yes, Paul, thanks. I know I've got SAD, but there's nothing to be done for it that I'm not already doing. Anti-depressants have such dreadful side effects for me that I'd actually rather be depressed. So I have a SUNBOX (www.sunbox.com) and that takes the edge off, mostly, and then it's just a matter of making it through to Solstice, when everything starts to improve again.

Robert said...

Why did they have to make the acronym SAD? I mean, really!

If one weren't depressed enough by the actual symptoms, the acronym is enough to send you over the edge... :)