04 March, 2005

Linking Monkeys

...Put your left leg down - your right leg up/ tilt your head back - let's finish the cup....

We gorge ourselves and meander conversationally through talk radio, Howard Hughes, Watergate, Beyonce, musical theatre, and the difference between Wynona Ryder and Kate Winslet. Whether replacing Jim Carrey with David Spade would clue unsuspecting moviegoers of a film’s relative value. Who should get Chris Farley’s roles, and John Candy’s. He says Jim Belushi, but I prefer the sophistication of Drew Carey.

Over post-dinner cocktails, we discuss Japan. Peppermint Patty doesn’t want to go, he says.

That’ll make it easier to find you a cute Japanese wife, one with a tiny little fist that fits right in your eye socket.

"The fist’s a prerequisite. I’ll need two girls, though. Because they’re short. I’ll have to stack one on top of another..."

Just to give her a kiss. No, we’ll get just one, and a bento box to stand her on. Are you gonna eat that last olive?

He chews thoughtfully. "Sam will hate her."

Of course. Why?

"Because Sam’s Korean, and she has a historical directive to hate the Japanese."

Ah. All the ass-kicking. She won’t want to go with us.


BuddahPat wants to go up in the mountains and see the snow monkeys. They’re revered as gods, for showing the Japanese how to bathe. I'd never heard of snow monkeys, but they're awfully cute.

Very clean, the Japanese. These snow monkeys, they what?

"Sit in the hot springs in the mountains. We’ll do like they do, and then go skiing."

With caps of snow on their furry heads. No, you ski and I’ll stay in the springs with the monkeys. Come get me when it’s time to eat sushi. Better yet, bring my sushi to the spring.


Also unearthed in the 'snow monkey image' search was a picture of President Bush with snow on his head, captioned "Snow Monkey." The link wouldn't work for me, but if any of you can figure it out, I'll post it.

Marginally related: Yes, Sachi, those are my little monkeys on the Valentine. Robert, just so you know, your postcards still brighten my refrigerator. Inanna, I haven’t forgotten about the quilt fabric I promised you. I just haven’t SENT it yet. And a big thank you to Paul, who read my archives and offers a solution for slippery stilts.

In our 'regular features' department, the Animal (not a monkey) discusses slots, Tim Kreider peeps into hell, and Rob Breszny offers his usual arty oracular discourse.

In our 'other news' department, BirthdayBoy plays a debut gig with his new band, Page Six, on Thursday, March 24, 8:30 PM at The Brass Monkey in Fells Point. I mention this early, in case you'd like to meet me there.

Wear a beret and a red carnation so I’ll know you.

(Brass Monkey; The Beastie Boys)

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