17 May, 2004

Not In The Mood

"Only those who risk going too far ever find out how far they can go." T.S. Eliot

The weather is gorgeous, and I am home with my family.

I have recovered (nearly) from Trauma Eating, which happened in response to certain stressors, and once I grabbed Doreen Virtue's book, Constant Craving and looked up all the junk I was consuming, I felt better and the food cravings went away.

Steak = tired from stress, fear of failure, inadequacy

Sweets = wanting approval and acceptance

Chocolate cookies = tension and fear

Glazed donuts = drained from constantly being on guard

Uncooked cookie batter = feeling vulnerable to attack by others, angry at self

Dairy = needing comfort and consolation

Chocolate chip ice cream = fear, anger, self-blame, depression

(and My Hero brought into the house, unknowing, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. Could there have been a fitter Trigger Food for me?)

Yesterday was the Graduation Party for That Girl, and I saw a bunch of my favorites. Tonight, I go out with That Girl, Coco, The Prince, and maybe my favorite blushing Birthday Boy, while My Hero stays home, taking the Empress to dance rehearsal and painting tiny warriors.

There is no reason for me to be in a dismal mood, but for the fact that I allowed into my brain some images of War, long enough to assume a position, form an opinion, which I usually avoid for the sake of my sanity.

I have trouble combating darkness this strong. It leaves a mark on my mind.

And when I ask a question, seek an answer, I find comfort. Cynics beware: healy-feely stuff awaits.


Golden glow against bare back: eastward facing, I watch a stroke of lightning split a rumbling whaleskin sky.

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