07 April, 2004

Vicious Vent

turn and face the strange....

Lately, it seems, I have made myself vulnerable to the failability of human creatures.

This is a pisser.

When I was in a position that I did what I did, and what anyone else did or failed to do didn't make any difference to me doing what I do, I was perfectly content.

When I am in a position of needing someone and they come through for me, I am perfectly content.

When I am in the position of needing someone, believing in someone, trusting someone and they DON'T come through for me, I am hurt, infuriated, frustrated and angry.

It seems that the only way to not be disappointed by humans is to not expect anything from them.

And by anything, I mean ANYTHING.

When "Yes, I'll take the part" means "until I get a better offer" or "unless I find it necessary to have a nervous breakdown" or "if showing up for rehearsals doesn't inconvinience me too much."

When "I will always be here for you" means "until I get bored, or fed up with your high-maintenance ways."

When "for better and for worse," means "except if the money's better on the road."

Because I trust, I believe.

Though I'm being shown, repeatedly, that I can't really count on anyone for anything.

This is hard, because I want to like humans, I truly do, but I'm having trouble liking creatures who say one thing and do another.

Dogs are much simpler. Cats, too.

Maybe the lesson is one of courage: to trust, knowing that I'll be let down one way or another, and to trust anyway.

What a fucking Pollyanna spin to put on that, though.

I'm sick of her.

That said, let me also say this: from a geological perspective, war is an EXCELLENT way to prevent population overload. It has been and will be my opinion that humans cannot destroy the Planet.

We can only make it uninhabitable for ourselves.

On the lighter side, I did something very unusual today.

No, it wasn't wearing high heeled suede boots in the morning and exchanging them for open-toed wedge sandals in the afternoon.

It wasn't seeing my son perform in a dance, or going to a book reading/signing.

It wasn't spending most of the day at the Center, because I do that ALL THE TIME.

It wasn't running to the bank, or eating supper at a restaurant, or getting the kids in bed late.

Today (are you ready?) I wore....

white underwear.

Yes, both bra and panties (if you can call them that), neither one servicable cotton.

Call me predictable.


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