05 July, 2004

Delicate Balance

...you only want me when I get over you/first you love me and then you get on down the line....

Unreasonable to be injured by things not personally directed, by things beyond my control. I am a bad Buddhist, to be bothered.

I worry that I must do something cheerful or be sucked down, and I've been falling so often.

Falling, falling in, screaming screaming in that dark hole, hoping someone's listening, knowing the screaming frightens anyone who might help and not being able to do anything but scream.

Hoping someone might stand at the edge of the hole and talk or sing or whistle, sit and wait until I'm calm enough to be calm enough to calm down.

Crawling out of the hole by bloody scraps of fingernails, breath heavy sprawled on edge of gorge with gravel in eyes, in mouth, motes of dust clogging nostrils, saying to self,

I made it out. Again.

And knowing what I do not say is

Until next time.

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